


Locked Away

by tarialdarion



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Fix-It, M/M, Mutual Pining, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), The Phone Of Pining, but they don't know it so it's sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-01
Updated: 2019-09-01
Packaged: 2020-10-04 21:09:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,326
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20477510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tarialdarion/pseuds/tarialdarion
Summary: "Steve realizes he’s in love with Tony two months after Siberia. He sees dark hair, a flash of sunglasses from across the street and has an instant of joy, before disappointment sets in as the man turns around to reveal his face. The visceral feeling of regret and loneliness that follows is so sharp that Steve can’t breathe around it for a moment, swallowing everything down and hurrying away. Tony could always twist him up until he was yelling, laughing, screaming, smiling."or: Steve's always too late but maybe he can get it right this time.





	Locked Away

Steve realizes he’s in love with Tony two months after Siberia. He sees dark hair, a flash of sunglasses from across the street and has an instant of joy, before disappointment sets in as the man turns around to reveal his face. The visceral feeling of regret and loneliness that follows is so sharp that Steve can’t breathe around it for a moment, swallowing everything down and hurrying away. Tony could always twist him up until he was yelling, laughing, screaming, smiling.

The moment that he recognizes the dark warmth resting heavy on his heart is like a punch to the gut. He feels unbalanced without Tony there to challenge him, draw him out of his dark thoughts and push away the guilt that haunts him at night.

He misses Tony.

He regrets a lot of things but acknowledging the complicated feeling that sometimes feels like it’s been inscribed deep into his bones only after all the pain and struggle sometimes overwhelms him with grief.

-

Tony always knew he loved Steve.

Steve smiled, chuckled and Tony thinks _oh. okay_. and soldiers on. 

He loses Steve, (but he doesn’t and yet, why can he hear those words echo through him every time he closes his eyes) and the sorrow that engulfs him at the very thought drives him to reckless decisions, to Ultron, to more guilt.

He locks it away.

They fight and he’s shredding apart, piece by piece. He can’t find the words to explain, to make Steve understand, and he feels desperately and unavoidably alone.

Steve lies to him and he breaks.

When his breathing slows enough to let the last of the panic attack fade, Tony lets the cold seep into his bones and waits for his rescue. He takes all the pain and love that is now irrevocably tied together and locks it down, puts it in a box and never brings it out.

The package arrives and Tony doesn’t know how to react to the letter. He means to put the battered old phone in a drawer and never pull it out, but somehow it ends up in his pocket anyway.

-

Pepper knows. They get engaged and Tony refuses to lie to her. She smiles at him sadly and tells him, “I know, Tony. I always knew.”

Tony absorbs that revelation and then makes sure she knows that it’s done. It’s in that box locked away in his mind and it’s not coming back.

He’s done.

-

They go to space.

Tony says that he saw this coming and a strange mixture of vindication and sorrow is warring through him as he makes plans to save the world.

They lose and he survives, his deepest fear realized before him as he bleeds out on a strange planet, a caustic guilt and anger at the unfairness of it all gnawing at him. Focusing on getting home with Nebula helps; he’s always felt the most useful when he’s able to fix something, even if it’s just watching her soften around him as the days go by.

He meets Carol and he’s weary. Steve is there and all he can think is _I needed you_. Pepper cries into his shoulder and he grips her tightly, refusing to let go of this lifeline he desperately needs.

Steve questions him and Tony snaps, the resentment and bitterness clawing at his throat as he spits out the words that he had locked away so tightly. Steve could always get to him like no one else, rip him into jagged edges and reckless mistakes that he regrets a minute after it happens.

-

This isn’t how Steve imagined it going.

He stands through Tony’s anger with a quiet acceptance that surprises even him and refuses to let himself react to the vitriolic words Tony flings at him. He’s tired, so tired, and he just wants his team back.

He misses the easy camaraderie of those first few years. He dreams sometimes about finding Bucky earlier, bringing him into the Avengers. Tony fixes him and they stay a family, no fighting, no pain.

He always wakes up from those dreams with dry eyes and no matter how much the tears fight to come forward, he can’t seem to summon up the energy to let them fall. They lost and he has to move on.

But he can’t. He tells Natasha what he’s learned the hard way: they don’t get the luxury of moving on. _They_ lost. They didn’t keep their promise. They didn’t save the world.

Scott shows up and Steve hates himself for latching on to hope so easily, so quickly after everything that happened. He hasn’t seen Tony for years (not since the wedding that Steve stoically stood through, giving Tony the brightest smile and most genuine congratulations that he could summon through the pain choking him) and the thought of fixing everything alongside his <strike>love</strike> friend excites him.

Natasha gives him a knowing look as he throws on the leather jacket and he refuses to blush.

-

Tony’s happy and Steve can’t even bring forth the resentment he feels he should have after he sees the soft, loving look Tony gives his daughter. Tony’s retired, he’s done, and Steve has no right to drag him back into the fray when he has so much to lose.

He stands outside the compound, hopelessness threatening the fragile hope he had been building since Scott showed up on the cameras. But Tony comes back. He arrives with a solution and forgiveness that Steve never even thought to ask for. He can’t help the way his eyes soften, and his lips tug up in a fond smile.

They fall back into old habits of banter and flirting. Tony makes a comment about his ass and Steve feels something slot back into place in his chest. There’s a part of him that almost doesn’t want this to end because he <strike>refuses</strike> doesn’t want to lose Tony again.

He trusts Tony with his life, he always did, and they land in the 1970’s with a jolt and a plan. The silence before they can get into Camp Leigh threatens to overwhelm them, but they never were ones to shy away from the hard topics.

They talk. Finally.

Steve refuses to wait another moment and admits what he figured out years ago when he first lost Tony. Tony shakes his head, tears threatening to fall. “I always loved you,” he tells Steve, years of missed opportunities and longing reflecting back in his eyes.

It’s too late for them and Steve knew this already but god, it hurts to have Tony say it to him, no matter how soft and full of pain it is.

-

Tony snaps and Steve loses him for good.

He can’t.

He refuses.

This can’t happen.

He can’t live here with the anguish and the memories and Morgan who reminds him so much of Tony. Her curiosity, mischievous smile, and quiet strength under the weight of her father’s death showcase the absolute best of Tony and Pepper combined. She doesn’t know Steve outside of the stories her dad told her and Steve smiles at her through his tears.

He and Bucky are inseparable as they wade through the recovery process, and he’s overjoyed to have his friend back. The years between Shuri’s genius fixing Bucky’s battered mind and the fight for their world against a purple monster full of hubris and power gave them time to heal and talk and figure things out.

So when Steve volunteers to take the stones, Bucky just looks at him knowingly.

He never could hide anything from Bucky.

He lets Steve go with a smile and a quip, standing tall with Sam at his back and Steve knows they’ll be okay.

He stands on the platform, everything ready to go, his heart beating a constant echo of _Tony Tony Tony Tony_, his choice made long ago with a smile and _we won_.

He holds his breath and leaps.

**Author's Note:**

> Come yell with me about Endgame on tumblr!


End file.
